I apologize in advance, as this post will not be particularly informative or clever or probably interesting. It’s just a rant.
It was one of those days today. One of those days where symptoms popped up one after the other and just tore apart my day. I woke up with a sore throat, then a few hours later all my joints swelled and began to ache. I drank some Airborne, took my vitamins, and stretched for a while, thinking that since I had plenty of time before work, maybe…just maybe I could beat this.
As I’m eating lunch a bit later I notice through a chip in my nail polish that my nail beds are dark blue.
“Well, shit.” That’s pretty much the nail in the coffin. From there it got worse. I went to work, and consistently tried to do that silly thing where you open and close your hands a bunch to increase circulation, tried to stretch at my desk as much as possible, tried taking ibuprofen. The pain steadily increased, and fevers popped by to say hello.
Oh, did I not mention the period cramps as well? Right, tack those on for good measure.
The Chronic joint pain is by far the worst though. It is because even when it is less severe, it is unrelenting. It doesn’t pulse or sting or come and go. It just becomes a part of you. And I lasted all day at work, smiling, greeting people, engaging in polite conversation with coworkers, being sickeningly charismatic. But all the while all I can think about is how awful I feel, and it never stops not even for a moment. My extremities are freezing, my insides are boiling, my knees are locked and a constant stream of high-pitched pain is echoing through my entire body.
Then I get in the car to head home on my 40 minute long trip. Finally, fucking finally I get to do what I wanted to do all day, what I longed for all day. I get to lay down on my bed. And I do. And do you know what happens then? I remember that my bed isn’t even remotely comfortable, and that I have lost absolutely no degree of pain from before I lay down.
That’s finally when the tears start coming up. But I’m not crying, not in the usual way. My face isn’t contorted and I’m not hyperventilating. Just uncontrollable tears that slowly drip out of the corners of my eyes.
Those are frustrated tears. Those are fucking Lupus tears.